I know that having only put in 6 months, we are still considered “baby-expats”.  I’ve met many people who are beginning their third of fourth assignment and seem very at ease about this life – of course everyone has a story, but on the surface, they seem to have figured out how to adjust and carry on, which I suppose I should read as “this IS possible; people survive it and (incredibly!) continue to sign up for more…”  However, while walking our Rosie the other day, I found myself deep in thought about this experience so far, and I really don’t wish to minimize the impact it has had on us, even over a relatively short period of time. It’s funny, almost like magic, soon after the 5 month mark, I suddenly started to feel a lot better… I suppose in many ways I was waiting, wishing for that moment, and it snuck up on me and surprised me – for 5 months,  and really for 6 months before that, I was in constant emotional turmoil – deciding to go, preparing to go, actually going, making a go of living and adjusting to a completely different way of living, discovering some pretty deep, difficult truths about ourselves in the process… the narrative in my mind was “I can’t do this for 5 years… I can’t believe we did this… it is impossible to live here, it’s just so hard to do anything…our whole family has been turned upside down and shaken hard… why did we do this?!”  It’s absolutely been a super tough transition… but thankfully, suddenly, I found myself thinking, “This isn’t so bad… we could probably get through this… maybe even enjoy it?”  Whoa! I pleasantly surprised myself! I mean come on, we are Canadians who never shoveled a single scoop of snow or had to deal with freezing rain and ice this year, and everyday I get to go out into sunshine for my walk with the dog and can grow beautiful plants year round!!  And knowing that we can go home to visit yearly is very comforting. I’ve met other expats who thought they would be in a given country for “x” number of years, and the fortunes or direction of the company and the economy shift, and they are unexpectedly moving on…this possibility was truly never on my radar when we decided to do this, but I now know it can happen to anybody. So resiliency and flexibility are skills we get to practice on a daily basis coping with the many curve balls of expat life.  A new, wise friend recently shared her secret to successfully adapting here, or anywhere… she believes in staying positive and trying to find some fun wherever you are – any and every place you could possibly live will have pluses and minuses.  She found herself in Mexico City almost 40 years ago now and never thought she’d stay this long… but loves the life she has created for herself here, living Grandma Moses’s wise words, “Life is what you make it.  Always has been, always will be.”

A few things I wish I’d known (or have come to know now) living as an expat:

1. Don’t assume that relationships will get stronger…  I’ve discovered that the idea that only having one another will bring you all closer is an oversimplification.  I’d read that this would/could happen as a result of embarking on an experience like this… fact is, you have no idea how the members of your family will react to the many changes thrust upon them…You really have to work at staying connected through guaranteed upheaval… yes, there is definitely the potential for stronger connections when living abroad and having no one but one another, but constantly troubleshooting problems and navigating so much “newness” can put a huge strain on relationships. I had an idealistic, romantic vision of this experience helping us to become closer as a family…but truth is, your kids are not so happy with their lack of input into the decision to move, because if it was up to them, they never would have jumped at such an opportunity. So understandably, they are really mad at you sometimes (I mean REALLY mad).  Also, moving house, especially to a foreign country with foreign language and beginning a new job are two of life’s major stressors…and you get to do it without community support… it’s awesome… so some yucky stuff that you never really had to deal with before because you had a lovely extended family and community and work to buffer it rears its ugly head and now you are very far from home and familiarity and everything you thought you knew to be true is turned on it’s head…only if you’re aware, and really work to stay connected to each other, can you navigate these bumpy times successfully and emerge stronger.
2. Surrender to the new rhythms… like the insanity of learning to drive in a crazy country! Aaron had this figured out right away and I’ve been a bit slower to come around to this – I’ve fought the insanity of it, compared it to what I know of driving in Ontario, and with a knot in my stomach, wished everyday that I have to go out on the roads that it could be different… but it is what it is… I’m not going to be able to change it, but I do have to pick up my kids after school and get to appointments and gather groceries… whether I like it or not, I need to drive in the insanity to do my living everyday… so the sooner you “get on board” and take in the new flow of life (and stop comparing it to what you know), the better.
3. Think in smaller chunks of time…I’ve learned that it makes the tough times more bearable (anyone can endure anything for a shorter period of time) and it has helped me to be more in the moment, taking advantage of opportunities as they come up.  I decided to think in 6 month chunks of time – what would we like to accomplish in the next 6 months?  I find this approach helpful too for the kids, who have been more likely to pine for summer vacation and going “home” than to be “right here, right now”and in the moment.
4. Have something to look forward to – plan to explore new places you haven’t visited yet or plan a trip home or simply start or continue traditions that the family can look forward to weekly/monthly, etc. We carried over “pizza/movie night” from “home” and no matter how long and grueling the week has been, we known we have movie night to look forward to on Friday! Each of us has been tasked with determining an area of Mexico we want to visit and then we can plan out the when’s and how’s as a family.  You will need a break every now and then from the mental exertion of living in another language with rules and processes that may not make a whole lot of sense to you!   🙂
5. Put yourself out there – I’ve already posted about this (Newcomer), but can’t stress it enough – the l0ng and short term benefits far outweigh any initial awkwardness.  When I think about the ripple effect of the web of people I’ve met from attending just one Newcomer’s meeting, I’m truly amazed.
6. Have few expectations – have general fluid “plans”, understanding that things can change in an instant, and just be open to new experiences – you set yourself up for certain disappointment if you have expectations in a country and culture that you don’t know too much about yet… your point of reference (your home country) presumably is very different and cannot be compared to anything you will experience in your new country.  You minimize your overall frustration accomplishing everyday things if you don’t expect anything at all, really – then you’re always pleased with whatever outcome you are lucky to achieve!! (This has been a necessary coping strategy in Mexico City in particular!).
7. Stay in touch… with your familiar people and your new people. It helps you to feel connected to your history and to keep up with what’s going on and allows them a window into your new life…I have so loved blogging for this very reason! It’s also a lot of work to nurture new relationships, and half the battle is “showing up”, picking up the phone or sending a message to build new connections. It also helps to alleviate those lonely feelings.  And surprisingly, I’ve discovered that there are many, many souls looking for connection, so reaching out is often very welcome!
8.  With any gain there is always loss – it’s a law of life.  This has been especially tough for the kids to process – in order to grow and move forward,  we must let other things go. Go easy on yourself and be patient as you all navigate the transition and grief.  Time is your friend, my friend.
9. Take care of yourself and be who you want to be.  I suppose it is good advice in whatever life we find ourselves… we are in training for life… stay healthy so you can enjoy all that your new country and life has to offer!  And what an opportunity to be yourself and to live in your authentic skin.   As much as I value and often miss the history of home, it can be very liberating to start new.
10. Don’t wait – take that picture of the kids with their favourite friend or teacher, express gratitude as soon as you feel it, go on an adventure, say “yes”.   The transient nature of this type of living makes you really realize how fleeting encounters and opportunities can be.  If there are “perks” and incentives offered by your company, seek them out and enjoy them and make them work for  you.  Give back whenever you have a chance – you may find yourself in a developing country and can become involved with groups and initiatives that work to bolster the well-being of local individuals and communities.

This world is like a revolving door of people who come into our lives and then have to go again – so celebrate every day.

**Aaron shared this with me – a good read – and emphasizes the importance of staying positive…  11 Habits of Supremely Happy People